Practical Conversation Starters: How To Start

Written by Sammie Gallo, Creator of Abundant Life: You Were Made for More

One of the toughest barriers that so many parents have with their kids and “the talk” is simply how to start the conversation. 

l just want to start out by saying that I can’t offer you a magic conversation or a 3-step guaranteed process for your kids to grow up with a healthy and biblical view of sexuality. 

My husband and I are learning as we stumble along. I’m certain my kids don’t (or won’t as they age) know everything they should know, and they likely have unresolved questions.  

But I can tell you that in our imperfect parenting, we have to talk to them. Parents, we must be our kids’ primary source of information and instruction about sex. And we should also be aware of and authorize other sources of input in their lives (like youth leaders, older Christian friends, good books, blogs, etc.). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if you don’t talk to them about it, somebody else will. 

Let me take a second to encourage you in your parenting – if you are having conversations regarding sexuality, relationships, and the Gospel with your kids, you’re doing an absolutely phenomenal job. Starting conversations early is what will encourage them to come to you about taboo topics  as they get older, and more complex relational issues surface in their life.

Let’s start by thinking about where our own attitudes lie when it comes to sex and relationships. There’s a key factor here that we need to point out: our attitudes as parents are more contagious than our words. Many factors impact our perspective on sex, and we often don’t recognize deeply rooted thoughts and attitudes in our hearts and minds until we have kids that start asking questions. 

Our children will not consider something beautiful (as we should in the context of marriage through a biblical lens) that their parents see— 

• as dirty
• as a tool for manipulation
• as a means of selfish pleasure or
• simply as a conjugal duty. 

So, if you were abused as a child— or grew up in a home where sex was taboo or dirty— or you fell into sexual sin as a teenager— or you and your spouse have struggled with sex as a married couple— any of these things and more will have affected your view of sex. 

And even if you never breathe a word about any of these things to your children, they will pick up on your perspective.

Once we know what our own preconceived notions are about sex, we can move on and ask the deep question: what does God think about sex? 

The perfect and all-wise Creator God has designed man and woman to be united in marriage, and— in that context only— to engage in a sexual relationship that reflects the intimacy that Christ has with His church. 

No matter what kind of school or church they attend, our children will have friends that talk about sexual topics from a young age. The world will communicate about this with them AGGRESSIVELY. Even before the internet age, a lot of us learned about sex on park swings or seated on neighborhood sidewalks. We must start talking to our kids before we really think it’s necessary.

Besides this, many of us are allowing the world to mold the minds of our children by giving them access to television, Netflix, YouTube videos, or video games with sexualized content. When we do this, whether by lack of oversight or on purpose, we communicate a passive approval of what is happening on the screen. 

Our children should know that we really care about what they are seeing and listening to because we care about how they think and what they believe. 

After we’ve educated ourselves about our own warped views of sex, we need to invest time and effort in engaging your kids in open, relaxed conversations about all kinds of topics. 

If your children are still young, you have time ahead of you to create this type of open, honest environment in your home. This will be key in creating moments to talk about sex openly, and it will help your children naturally seek you out for answers to their questions. 

If your children are older, it’s never too late to start opening lines of communication with them. Remember that our children’s perspective on sex or any other topic will be the result of a cumulative effect, so we need a long-term perspective, a commitment to persevere in the practice of compassionate and direct communication. Take advantage of every opportunity for open communication!

When your 12-year-old daughter comes home shocked, telling you about her friend that confided in her about abuse she was suffering, it’s an opportunity for instruction on compassion and caution. 

When your 11-year-old son talks about a television program all his friends are watching or websites where his classmates say you can see interesting videos of women, it’s an ideal opportunity to investigate together about the content of those things and discern what’s good and bad about them. 

This opens the door naturally for a discussion about pornography, about how a Christian man should view women, and about what God’s perspective is on women and their bodies. There’s no need for panic, but we should fall on our knees and cry out to God for the wisdom we need. 

Whether you’re teaching your 4-year-old about why he shouldn’t allow anyone else to touch him in certain places— or answering a biology question in fourth grade— or explaining to your daughter what the news announcer meant when he referred to a “rape”— or helping your teenager with his pornography struggle— or exhorting your children about why they should wait to have a sexual relationship until they’re married— the focus should always be on God’s good design, and the fact that sinful man will always use God’s good gifts for selfish pleasure. 

In this way, we can preach the Gospel even through conversations about sex – that should always be our goal – to glorify God and allow Him to work in our children’s lives as we teach and educate them. 

Different Resources that you may find helpful: 

• Abundant Life Curriculum – Abundant Life is a web-based series comprising 5 modules and 15 teachings, which you can pick and choose based on need or interest.

• Legacy classroom is a free portal (for pastors and ministry leaders) that seeks to provide education insights into today’s cultural and emerging issues. There are a few simple steps in the application form linked if you qualify to get you started.