Where To Start “The Conservation”: Sex Talk 101

By Sammie Gallo, Creator of Abundant Life: You Were Made for More

Parents and caregivers often want to know how to begin the “sex talk.” We would suggest: “Don’t begin with the talk.” This might sound like a bait and switch, or as if we are avoiding your question, but honestly, the best way to deliver “the talk” using THE conversation’s approach is to not start with the sex talk. Instead, start with the source of your child’s life – there is foundational ground work to be laid – and this work starts in the young, toddler years, when kids are still learning what the world around them encompasses and how they fit into that world. 

No, not the story of where babies come from, but instead, THE story of Who we came from.

• Genesis 1:27: “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” 
• Genesis 2:7: “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” 

The authority of God made all of creation. But it was the affection of God that made all of His children. The three persons of the Trinity – Father God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit – gathered close together to imagine each and every human being! How special. 

If we don’t start here (Genesis 1 & 2, John 1:1), then a biblically based sex talk will not be very effective, no matter how thoughtful our efforts are leading up to the actual conversation. We need a solid foundation. It is impossible for our children to flourish apart from the Love of God that made us. Our objective as parents or mentors is to communicate this truth to kids before and as we talk to them about the body, relationships and sex. When we lead with God’s invitation to love others out of the overflow of His love for us, it changes the entire tone and trajectory of any conversation about sex and relationships. Our kids need to know that real satisfaction of their deepest desire comes from connection to God Himself.  Human relationships can only give us imperfect glimpses of God’s love. This realization disarms the dizzying power of the search for satisfaction in relationships that will ultimately disappoint.

We recommend introducing God’s Love as the origin of your child’s creation and the Source of real love as early as possible (today is a great day to start!). We also recommend you revisit this idea with your kids frequently and with a variety of approaches. The best way to do this goes a step further than just telling kids.  It requires us to intentionally connect kids with God’s Love over and over again. 

So, how do we do this? 

• It begins with your own connection to God’s Love. In what ways do you best connect with God and understand His love for you? This may provide clues that help your child to make a connection with God.
• What is your child interested in? What captures their attention? Observe them. Study them. Maybe this will give hints about how you can capture their attention. 
• Be mindful of what comments they make about worship or nature, or other experiences and comment about how you see God loving His people through these things.
• Even if you can’t always control the environment your child is in, what are ways that you see God reaching them and loving them? Be thankful for His provision in their lives, on top of and despite your own efforts. 
• Look for themes that are popping up in her life at any age.  What messages of God’s love seem to be repetitive at particular stages in her life or throughout her life?
• Be sure to initiate and engage opportunities that connect kids to God and His love. Some examples: be a part of a church community; consider church youth camps, youth retreats, missions trips and service opportunities (and if you can, do these things WITH your kids!); introduce art or music experiences; incorporate athletics, friendships and young adult mentors your child respects, etc. Show them you are paying attention to what they love and value what they love – I’ve seen this work time and time again, because it will cultivate opportunities for conversations about God. 

If you’re parenting or mentoring a student that is older and resistant to these conversations, try sharing stories from your own life of connecting in powerful ways to God’s love. Older kids typically will listen to you if you are being real, vulnerable, and humble in the way that you are sharing. Teachable moments occur every day- we just have to be on the lookout for them. 

A practical example might be helpful here. One of my mentors recently asked me a very vulnerable and brave question – “what if my teenager is struggling with God?”

Our advice: Ask your teenager lots of questions about the struggle. Seek to empathize. Seek to understand. How does God feel about you?  How do you feel about God? What do you believe about God that causes you to feel this way?  Many times the source of this struggle is a faulty view of who God is, who we are, and how God relates to us.  Sometimes, all it takes is casting a new vision about God and the relationship He desires with us. This is where THE conversation must start. Before we can trust God’s direction for our lives, we have to come to believe that His desire is for us to live a life that flourishes. Once we resolve that issue, we are free to move forward into a discovery of His direction for our lives.

It is worth repeating, if we don’t start here, a biblically informed sex talk will not be as effective. Our kids will resort to seeking human relationships as satisfaction for their longings.